


I'll ignore your ugly truth

by fairy_lix



Category: K-pop, Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bang Chan is a Good Friend, Bang Chan is a Sweetheart, Boys Kissing, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Minsung are cute, chan best leader of the year!!, chan just wants to make everyone happy, everyone just wants to protecc jisung, i projected a lot lol, stray kids are stupid but
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:02:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22512937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairy_lix/pseuds/fairy_lix
Summary: chan pretends not to notice.he ignores the flirty glances and loving giggles. he doesn't acknowledge the hand holding and shy smiles. he tries to pay no heed to bruises on necks and messy hair the next morning.he does all of this because he cares.it's like an unspoken rule in the group. if the rest of them ignore it, maybe it'll go away. it's not that they don't support it, it's that they can't support it, and it hurts them to know that. it would hurt even more if they did something about it, so they do nothing. chan's a coward, and so are the rest of them, but they'd rather be cowardly than be too brave like minho and jisung. minho and jisung, who keep fighting against their truths and obstacles even if they know they can't possibly win.it's tragic.sometimes chan looks at them and wonders if maybe, in a different life, things could've worked out okay. they could've, he decides. maybe if they lived in a country where nobody cared about sexual orientations and preferred pronouns. maybe if they had normal jobs, away from scrutinising eyes that think they get to decide what you should do and the pressure to seem perfect. maybe. or maybe not.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, OT9
Comments: 7
Kudos: 107





	1. Chapter 1

chan pretends not to notice.

he ignores the flirty glances and loving giggles. he doesn't acknowledge the hand holding and shy smiles. he tries to pay no heed to bruises on necks and messy hair the next morning.

he does all of this because he cares.

it's like an unspoken rule in the group. if the rest of them ignore it, maybe it'll go away. it's not that they don't support it, it's that they can't support it, and it hurts them to know that. it would hurt even more if they did something about it, so they do nothing. chan's a coward, and so are the rest of them, but they'd rather be cowardly than be too brave like minho and jisung. minho and jisung, who keep fighting against their truths and obstacles even if they know they can't possibly win.

it's tragic.

sometimes chan looks at them and wonders if maybe, in a different life, things could've worked out okay. they could've, he decides. maybe if they lived in a country where nobody cared about sexual orientations and preferred pronouns. maybe if they had normal jobs, away from scrutinising eyes that think they get to decide what you should do and the pressure to seem perfect. maybe. or maybe not.

because it's fruitless to think thoughts like that. because how hard they try, there's no way they can fight against truth, against the stone cold reality of their situation. minho and jisung are natives in a country that scorns at 2 men holding hands. they are idols, celebrities that are always in the eyes of a public that want them to be straight and will ruin them if they aren't. minho and jisung are doomed, and even the pureness of a love as true as theirs can't change that.

if chan was brave, he would tell them that. he's not, though. he's not, and everyday he ignores the ache in his heart when he sees them and pretends that their relationship is just fanservice.

chan first questions the integrity of their friendship just after debut. everyone is high on happiness and the excitement of being actual idols, and when stray kids is happy, they're touchy. it's natural to see one member clinging onto another, or some of them napping next to each other. he's not surprised to see jisung sitting on minho's lap, playing with his hair and whispering things that make minho giggle childishly. they've all been like that before, but what worries him is that minho and jisung seem...closer than usual. 

they all have a favourite, chan knows. minho and jisung have had a special connection since they met, but lately the amount of time they spend together is becoming excessive to the point where chan doesn't think he's talked to either of them out of practice or out of the spotlight for weeks. he wonders if one or both of them have a problem with another group member: although hyunjin and ji have made up, sometimes they are still a little tense, and often the bickering between seungmin and minho goes a little far. it's his job as a leader to make sure everything is okay, so he makes his mind up to approach them and ask. 

looking back, chan thinks that even back then he knew what the reality of minho and jisungs relationship was. he just didn't want face it, to come to such a devastating realisation, so he ran away from the real problem and made up smaller worries in an effort to hide. 

it didn't work.

of course it didn't. days later, when chan confronted minho and jisung about their growing distance from the other members, they had looked at him like he had grown a second head.

"what?!" jisung had said incredulously. "uh, no. hyung, we haven't argued with anyone, trust me. I'm sorry that you felt this way...we'll try to spend more time with the other members, yeah?" minho nodded next to him.  
chan might have believed him, but the blatant lack of regret in his eyes stopped him. jisung looked sorry that he had been caught, not that he was lying to chan or that he hadn't been as present as he should. 

"fine," chan said. "let's go out and get some barbecue next week, as 9. no excuses or backing out of it, alright?"

minho and jisung both hummed in unison, and then turned to give each incredulous looks in unison before bursting into laughter. some of the tight worry chan hadn't even realised existed dissipates and a fondness replaces the cavity in his chest. he chuckles briefly with them, and turns to leave the room.

he's half way down the hallway when he realises that he left the door open. minho hates it when he does that, so he sighs and turns back to close it. he's reaches for the doorknob when he looks up casually and freezes.

minho is facing the door, but his eyes are closed. jisung is turned towards him, and if chan were a little further away he would assume the they were just hugging, but the from the angle he's standing at he can see jisungs lips kissing down the expanse of skin on minho's neck. 

"ji," minho whispers, and the word is so full of love and adoration and pure want that chan could cry.

he leaves the door ajar, and turns and walks into the living room. seungmin and jeongin are sitting there complacently watching a film, and seungmin looks up. chan must looks horrified, because he quirks an eyebrow as a way of asking "hyung, are you okay?" but chan simply shakes his head and slumps onto the couch.

he never ends up telling anyone about what he saw. he finds that he doesn't want to.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chan doesn't want to face minho and jisung, but what he ends up doing means that it isn't just the 2 of them that get hurt.

when chan wake up, it's blissful. there's sunlight filtering through the windows-a sign that he has slept in past 7 which he rarely does due to insomnia. there's a calm, sated feeling in his soul.

and then minho's unmistakable giggle filters through his door. 

immediately, chan can feel the difference. the relaxation he was once feeling turns into an uglier emotion akin to dread. he sighs, knowing that he can't run away from this, and swings his legs out of bed.

15 minutes later, when he walks into the living room, he almost smiles. hyunjin and woojin are curled up lazily on the sofa, and seungmin is sitting on a highchair scrolling through his phone and sipping something from a mug. felix is next to him, hair messy and looking as if he is about to doze off. 

hyunjin looks up and notices him first. "hi, hyung," he chirps, and the others follow with a similar greeting. amongst the many voices, he hears jisung, and looks up to find the boy in question sitting on the kitchen counter top. to no surprise, minho is sitting next to him. 

a wave of irritation washes over chan as he watches them swing their legs. if he had seen the scene at any other time there is no doubt that he would feel fond, but the knowledge that jisung and minho are more than what they appear annoys him instead. they look so suffocatingly normal, nonchalant, as if what they're doing doesn't jeopardise their safety and future. 

chan, of course, is only talking about the fact that sitting on top of the countertop, next to a stove that's on, is dangerous.

"yah, minsung, stop! you know that's dangerous. what are you, little kids?!" he snaps angrily. every head in the room turns to look at him with wide, scared eyes.

he knows it's out of character for him to be so angry at all, let alone in the morning over something so harmless. hyunjin had even flinched back at the harsh tone of his voice, and chan feels a prick of guilt weighing him down. 

"sorry, chan hyung," jisung mumbles, hopping down. his voice is quiet and unusually sad, and the guilt in chan's chest is almost unbearable. 

he can't apologise, obviously. instead, he nods stiffly and slumps down onto the couch. 

he had to blink away tears when he notices hyunjin shuffle away from him in favour to huddle up to woojin. 

jeongin walks out of his room, hair ruffled as he blinks away sleep. he walks over to chan and sits next to him without any hesitation, choosing to sling an arm around him. it takes half a minute of uncomfortable silence for sleep dazed jeongin to notice the tension. 

"woah, woah. what the hell is this weird energy?" jeongin chuckles nervously. 

"nothing," woojin says, his voice uncharacteristically hard. chan looks up to see woojin glaring at him. it figures-woojin, being the only one older than chan, is often the first to put him in his place.

"innie, come here."

confusion written all over jeongin's face, the youngest stands up to walk over to woojin. chan feels his heart break when he feels the maknae pulling away from him, and suddenly he feels very cold.

he stands up abruptly. on the way back to his room, he glances at jisung, who looks about as close to tears as chan feels. the parental side of chan is screaming to go and hug him, to reassure him, but he can feel the ice cold, terrified stares boring through his back. 

he tosses a glare to minho, and although the boy is focused on comforting jisung (yet another thing that grates on chan's nerves) he looks up for just long enough to send a confused, cold stare. 

chan feels horrible.

he turns and walks out of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did not proof read this because we die like men.
> 
> anyways,,,,comments would be much appreciated although this is trash ahahAH.   
> thanks for reading tho lmao, even though it's super short.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chan cries.

chan doesn't like to cry.

he knows that many say it's therapeutic, that after you do it you feel a million times better. the other members have told him a million times that crying isn't a sign of weakness and it's okay to show your sadness, but there is something about not being in control that chan hates. every time he cries, he feels weak and useless and horrible, and often after he's finished he feels worse than when he began. 

there is, of course, a simpler solution to this. 

chan doesn't like to cry, so he doesn't.

it may sound odd, but he genuinely cannot remember the last time he cried. and yet here he is, under his blankets, sobbing like a baby. 

of course, it isn't just because he feels guilty for snapping at jisung, although that does factor into it. chan feels pathetic, but he also feels scared - for minho and jisung, (what would happen if it wasn't him who walked in on them, but a manager?) for the future, (if this got out, there is no doubt that it would ruin stray kids. chan has spent just under a decade working for this. he doesn't have a plan b: if stray kids fail, then they fail. chan would be left with less than nothing) and most of all, for the well-being of the members. chan would happily put himself through hell if it meant stray kids were happy, but he doesn't know if he is willing to risk the future and happiness of everyone else just so minho and jisung can keep doing this. love is something that chan thinks should never be restricted or labelled as wrong, but the general public disagrees.

as chan cries, he thinks of the pain on jisung's face when chan had shouted, and how much worse that pain would be if chan told him to give up minho. he thinks of what everyone would look like if the secret got out. he thinks of the upcoming album and how much pressure he's under, of the hundreds of tracks on his computer which aren't even halfway finished, of how tired he is because he hasn't gotten more than 40 hours of sleep per week since stray kids debuted. he thinks about all of his short-comings and his fears, all his regrets and buried pains, all of the things wrong with the world that he wants to fix but can't. he thinks about all of this-all of the things that make his mind a place darker than hell-and he cries like he's never cried before. 

nobody comes to check on him.

chan cries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhh,,,,as you can tell, i was not in the best place when i was writing this. 
> 
> sorry to yall for the short and v angsty chapter (but i will continue to beg for comments lmao), sorry to fictional chan, and sorry to my parents for being a disappointment-
> 
> damn that got real dark for a sec.
> 
> anygays, thanks for reading uwu i love yall please feed me comments they make me happy.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "no woojin, it's fine, okay? leave it be. I know I'm not important enough to be checked on. I know-" and his voice breaks then, "I know that I'm a terrible person for taking out my stress on jisungie and it's what I deserve. it's all my fault. it always is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is really short and kind of..a filler chapter?? I just needed to get something out here to express my own emotions. I'm not doing amazing,,,today is the 1 year anniversary of my friends death, which is just lovely. but yeah.
> 
> ~in which woojin and chan have a not-so-pleasant encounter~

chan must have fallen asleep at some point, too emotionally tired and worn out from his own tears that he passed out. he's laying, still half asleep, restless and sad but too tired to do anything about it except just lie there, when woojin walks in. 

he walks stiffly, rigid in the way that he is only when he's angry, and the glare he sends chan is proof enough that it's him woojin is angry at. chan closes his eyes and pretends to be asleep. he can't stand to see the disappointment and fury in one of his best friends.

"chan," he says. his voice is clear and hard. chan opens his eyes just a little, enough to see woojin but small enough that woojin doesn't see him.

he stands a couple of metres from the bed, and keeps his arms folded across his chest. there is no loving whisper, no 'wake up' hug like there would usually be, and chan screws his eyes shut once again.

"chan," woojin repeats once again, slightly louder than before. "you need to wake up. we have practice, remember?"

shit. chan had completely forgotten that this wasn't a day off. shit. 

he opens his eyes tiredly to glance at woojin. his position hasn't changed since the last time, but even in the dark of the room with woojin far away from him, he knows that woojin can see the puffiness surrounding his red eyes.

wooj softens completely, arms dropping to his sides.

"channie," he says, voice now tender. it makes chan feel even worse, because even through the concern he can still hear hints of anger from before. "what's wrong?"

"nothing," chan hisses, sarcasm evident in his tone. "i'm completely fine. i had the worst mental breakdown i've had on about 4 years, but i'm fine."

"chan-"

"no woojin, it's fine, okay? leave it be. I know I'm not important enough to be checked on. I know-" and his voice breaks then, "I know that I'm a terrible person for taking out my stress on jisungie and it's what I deserve. it's all my fault. it always is. I'm sorry, alright?" 

woojin opens his mouth to say something, but chan has already left the room and slammed the door.

fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so,,that's it! forgive me for any grammar mistakes, this isn't beta read and is totally rushed.
> 
> please feed me comments and kudos!! thanks I love yall bye!!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chan isn't angry. he isn't even worried, not now, anyways. he's just another boy, one who wants to look out for his friends, one who will love and support jisung, and everyone else, until the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo
> 
> this is a bit badly written and awkward but it signifies a big turning point in the story!! also i just sort of wanted to just give you guys another update because i love yall uwu. anyways, enjoy!!
> 
> (also this was written in less than an hour and totally not proof read oops)

chan walks into the practice room tiredly and avoids meeting anyone's eyes.

in the corner of his vision, he sees minho and jisung slumped against a wall, minho's arm slung around the other. jisung is still hunched over, a telltale sign that he's upset, and chan feels another stab of guilt when he notices that jisung recoils further into himself when chan walks in. 

all of the members hurriedly stand up at chan's arrival and- fuck, there is absolutely no way that they won't notice he had been crying, he's meant to review their performance today and that means that everyone will be paying attention to him. him and his red eyes and nose, him and his tear-stained cheeks- fuck. 

behind him, he can hear the opening and closing of a door, and he knows it's woojin who's just entered. the others all chorus variations of "hi, woojin hyung," and chan remembers that they didn't give him a greeting when he walked in.

ouch. that hurt. 

woojin moves past him to go sit with changbin, and chan can sense the visible confusion radiating off everyone else when woojin, the person who was openly furious at chan not too long ago, calls out a, "hey guys. hey, channie."

chan takes a deep breath and looks up to me the eyes of his members. there's a quiet intake of breath as everyone notices his puffy, just-finished-crying face, but he ignores it in favour of focusing on keeping his voice study.

"okay, guys. the choreographer obviously won't come in today because we've already got the basics of the choreo, so today we're just going to be practicing. changbin, can you get the track up? everyone else, get in your positions. i'll just be watching for now so i can give out pointers, and then later minh- dance line can give more specific criticisms." 

the rest all nod at that and move to get up, and chan takes a seat at the front of the room, where he can clearly see everyone else. he doesn't notice jisung come up to him in the commotion.

he's fiddling with the sleeves of his hoodie, and his head is bent so strands of hair fall across his eyes. one sweater paw reaches up to brush the hair away, and if it were any other situation, chan would coo over his cuteness. it isn't any other situation, though, so instead chan stares stoically at him, waiting for him to speak up first.

"hyung," jisung starts. "um, i really am sorry for this morning. i shouldn't have done something so potentially dangerous. i know you were just looking out for me."

chan wonders if jisung would say the same thing if he knew the real reason he got angry. 

for a moment, a rage comes over him, and he wanted to grab jisung by his shoulders and shake some sense to him. "𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘱𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘥𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘴," he wants to say. "𝘪𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘳𝘶𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘫𝘪. 𝘪𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘳𝘶𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘶𝘴. 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘢𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘬𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘩𝘰?!"

but then he looks up at jisung, his earnest eyes and nervous fiddling, and chan doesn't see the reckless boy who jeopardised everything stray kids worked for. he sees his little brother, one of his best friends, who has just as much of a right as anyone else to fall in love. he sees a starry eyed boy with dreams too big for his body and a heart that had so much love to give, not just to family and friends, not just to fans, but to another boy. he sees someone who worked just as hard as chan did, who would do anything to keep making music like he is now-

-anything but give up minho. and chan doesn't think there should be a problem with that.

after all, who is he to tell jisung to give up his dreams? 

chan isn't angry. he isn't even worried, not now, anyways. he's just another boy, one who wants to look out for his friends, one who will love and support jisung, and everyone else, until the end.

jisung is still looking at him with those big doe eyes, and chan smiles sadly. 

"don't be sorry," he says. "it's your life, not mine. i had no right to get angry at you like that. i'll always, 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴, support you ji. it's me who's sorry." 

jisung blinks at him, once, twice, and then a third time. chan wonders if jisung knows he's not just talking about the morning anymore. 

"actually, i was just really stressed about everything, and i was really tired too. i really just was not feeling my best, and i took that out on you. i shouldn't have done that. i felt lonely and exhausted and stressed and sad so i needed an outlet, and you just happened to be there, and i did things i shouldn't have done. sorry, sungie."

there's an odd tension hanging in the room, and chan realises belatedly that everyone else had been listening in for a while. he looks out at the rest of his members, who are frozen in place almost comically, and he sees regret and heartbreak for not noticing earlier etched in their eyes. he's about to tell everyone not to worry, that he's fine, but the words get stuck in his throat when a warmth engulfs him.

he looks down and sees jisung hugging him, as tight as he possibly can, face buried in chan's neck. "it's okay, hyungie," jisung breathes. "you're okay. you'll be okay. i love you, and you'll be fine."

and when hyunjin cannonballs into them both, curling around chan protectively, when the rest of the boys pile on top of them until it's just a mess of bodies and love and care, when chan is surrounded by the 8 people he cares about most and they're apologising profusely and telling his how much they love him is when chan feels the horrible ache in his chest loosen. 

yeah. he'll be okay.

(dance practice is delayed massively by a group cuddle session which lasts for about 30 minutes, and then a crying session where everyone blubbers about how much they love each other for another 45.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aight, so that's that! i hope i conveyed my intentions well enough: i wanted to show that this story isn't just a minsung ff, it's also about skz's dynamic as a family, and the platonic bonds are just as important and strong as the romantic ones. this wasn't the best thing i've ever written, but still pls spare me some comments and kudos they keep me happy and motivated!!!
> 
> i love you guys, bye bye!


End file.
